omgwtf

Not sure what's causing it but lately I feel like yelling out for no apparent reason. It happens most often when I'm sitting and reading at lunch time or just looking over materials in the few moments before class. I just want to scream out something that's being said by one of the characters or read the passages of text out loud. Not in a quiet stage-whisper, reading to self kind of way, but loud, like James Earl Jones reading the Bible. The most disturbing part is that it often feels like I'm just barely able to stop myself, like it takes an immense effort of will to keep the words inside.

These are the kinds of thoughts that keep me biting my lip in anxiety when I should be relaxing and enjoying life.

All hands to battlestations!

So I had this strange vision the other day: me and my brother, decked out in the orange Rebel Alliance flight suits, hopping into a snow speeder, running pre-flight checks and getting ready for combat. Harpoon gun and tow cable, check. Flaps, check. Flux capacitor, check. We run through our routine and John pauses, saying to me, "Joel, I'd just like to say that this is easily the most bad-ass thing ever." To which I reply, "I know, John. I know." Then of course we go speeding off to battle with John Williams conducting in time with the galactic conflict.
Why isn't anyone in the Star Wars universe amazed at what they can do? They've got blasters and giant walking robot vehicles and aliens with butt-faces, but everyone seems to shit a solid gold brick when some moisture farmer makes some boxes float.
These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me trying to levitate my cats when I should have been doing my homework.

Lucid Hallucination

Late for a test that I never remember
About ethical theories, pancakes and Chopin
Watercolor consequences
Bernini's stone gods
And my pet hedgehog

Desperately I sail the straits of Lot B
Wholly convinced I'd never been to class
Except maybe once
Handed a syllabus with words like roaches
That scattered when I looked

I find the building, drop anchor
Find claustrophobic walls squeezing
Warping the floor
Tiles roll, crest and break and I'm
Tossed

Outside at the window I see
They're laughing, all of them
Because I'm not there, never had been
Except maybe once
On roach word day

Briny hands slip from the knob
And I wonder
What am I missing?
And I fear
What have I missed?

Early Surfer Culture Obsessed With Waves, "Chicks"!

Hermosa Beach, Ca. - Residents of the Hermosa Beach community recently unearthed a series of artifacts - collectively known as "records" - containing "rock and roll" music written about the surfing culture. The artifacts appear to date back to the early 1960's. Apparently, the bulk of these artifacts chronicle the surfer's eternal search for the ultimate wave. However, a more sinister side of the culture was revealed in the record containing "Surf City" by "Jan and Dean". "Two girls for every boy" exclaims the duo, espousing their support for and obsession with poly-amorous relationships. Were these surfers merely trying to do their best to ensure the survival of the species or were their actions a reflection of the immoral attitudes of surfer culture? Jan was unavailable for comment.


These are the kinds of thoughts that constitute a small but significant portion of my daily consciousness.

Another Lame Idea

So what about a place for budding comedians to try their hands at spoofing the news.

We'll call it the Green Onion.

These are the kinds of thoughts I have when I'm alone in the afternoon and the power goes out.

New Ad Campaign

So how about a series of ads brought to you by the National Council for Practitioners of Chiropractic Medicine where people tell their stories about how they injured themselves.

"I fell off a roof," says an aging carpenter.

"I was just joking around with my boyfriend. We were wrestling." admits a tender young woman.

"I was trying out for the wrestling team, and practiced on my girlfriend. Naked." says a far-too proud young man.

We'll call it "Back Stories"! Get it?

Think about it, won't you?

These are the kinds of thoughts that run through my head when the internet's out.

- Joel

Abandoned Vitamins

It never fails that shoppers in the store where I work will shift their priorities and make "orphans" out of items they decide not to buy mid-store. Orphans, a.k.a. re-shops, are a consistent problem at my store and take up a good chunk of employee productivity as someone has to put them back. They also cost us a lot when the item that is dropped off is perishable or, God forbid, frozen. Imagine finding a tub of ice cream on the potato chip aisle... every third day or so. It adds up.
The other day, I found a package of multi-vitamins left on a display rack in the bakery. A display rack that held package after package of brownies. Now I have to wonder, did the person just say to themselves, "Aw hell, who needs Vitamin C anyways?" and just go for the rich, fudge-drenched goodness, or were there economic concerns at stake here? "I ain't paying eight dollars for this Centrum when I can get over two pounds of chocolatey goodness for the same price!"
These are the things I think about when I realize that I'll go mad if I don't have some sort of intellectual stimulation at work.